Right now he is going through the worst of it.. I have never seen him suffer the way he is now and it's breaking my heart knowing that other than praying, there is nothing else I can do..
A friend came by this evening to pick up a DVD.. He asked me how I was, and I said "I'm good" like I usually do.. Then I did something completely out of character for me.. I opened up a little..
I know that most of you don't know me, but that is something I don't normally do.. I'm not an emotional person.. It is not very often that I show vulnerability to others and the few times I have, I regretted it almost instantly..
You see, I do not take comfort in being comforted.. I don't like to be hugged, or coddled.. I despise the constant "is there anything I can do?" questions, I hate the empathetic and the sympathetic looks from others, and it annoys me that when I say "I want to be left alone" they don't think I'm serious.. I think it's because when someone else is hurting, they really do need to be comforted so it's only natural to think that I would too.. But usually I don't.. More often than not I end up getting angry and lashing out at the person who so desperately wants to comfort me.. Isn't that strange?
So usually I just say "I'm good" so they will leave me alone..
Today I feel helpless, I'm scared, and I just don't know what to do.
I told him that even though these last two and a half years that we have been Christians have been the most amazing two years of our lives, they have also been the worst years of our lives..
He nodded and said "well, you play for a different team now".
I have been sitting here thinking about that for a couple hours and I realized that he is absolutely right.. All the years that we were satanists were pretty easy ones.. We didn't really struggle, we didn't have many concerns and the few we did have never lasted long or had any real effect on us.. As the saying goes (at least among satanists) "its better to be at the right hand of the devil than in his path"..
You see, the enemy doesn't pay much attention to you when he has you.. But when he realizes that he has lost you? That's when things get really bad.. I think that is how so many new Christians lose their way.. Things get rough and they begin to question their faith.. "If God really loves me, why is he allowing me to hurt so much?".
But how do you say "the Bible never said that your life as a follower of Christ was going to be an easy one" to someone who is hurting? They aren't exactly comforting words!
But Jesus said "take up your cross and follow me".. The path IS a narrow one, and some will stumble along the way.. But the rewards are great.. So great that you can't even imagine! If you just give God a chance you will see that its when you are hurting, when you are suffering, that He is closest to you.. He won't always keep you from stumbling, but He WILL give you the strength to stand up, shoulder your cross and keep going.. There is no way I could do this on my own, and at least for me there is no way I'm going back..
This is what builds our faith.. This is what strengthens our trust in Him.. This is what being planted in good soil means.. It is times like these that God really shows us how much He loves us..
Take it from me, someone who has played for both teams.. Take the hits as they come, even the really hard ones.. When you play for the right team, touchdowns are inevitable..